Spouse roadblocking my job searchHello All. I never post here, but I'm looking for some brutally honest opinions. Here's the story: I am an engineer, and I work for a subsidiary of a very large national construction company. Before that, I worked at a very large, multinational engineering firm. I know I should be very happy to have a good job with a good salary, good bosses & good benefits, but I'm restless. I've been in corporate America for 7 years, and it's never been a good fit. There are very many reasons why, but I won't go into that here. I now have an opportunity with a very small 5-person consulting company now, but my husband says "no." The thing is, HE works for himself. He's kind of an independent handyman type. He does okay, but he's not really the type to hustle and make sure he's making a lot of money. He makes a lot less than he did at his regular job 4 years ago. Basically, his money covers the "extras" in our life & the costs of doing business, and I pay all the bills & support our 2 kids. He gives about $400/mo to the household bills & expenses, whereas I give about $4700 + insurance + retirement benefits. I fully understand that corporate jobs can provide better benefits & promotion opportunities, and I'm not saying I'm dead-set on the consulting job anyway (I don't even have an offer yet - just 2 positive interviews). I'm just furious that he doesn't see the hypocrisy of telling me to stick with my corporate job because of the benefits while he's been screwing around with self-employment for 4 YEARS! On one hand, I think he's trying to watch out for me & honestly thinks my current job is best. He thinks I have corporate aspirations and need that career ladder with a dream of getting promoted to something with a fancy title. He thinks the best & brightest work for the big companies, and little companies get the leftovers (maybe true). But on the other hand, I can't help screaming that I've been supportive in his fantasy life for 4 years, so why can't he do the same for me? He should know that I've wanted to work for myself for quite a while. . .actually, when he started working for HIMSELF 4 years ago, the goal was for both of us to work in a family-run operation. Just never worked out because he couldn't get it off the ground enough for me to quit working. After 2 years of supporting him at night after my regular job (while he was home at 3:00 every day), I told him he was on his own. He no longer has employees & just works alone. Anyway, my goal at the new job would be to learn the ropes & make contacts & eventually go out on my own. . . There is a lot of history of struggles between my husband and myself. Besides the business thing discussed above, I had our first son 1 year into college. I gave up a lot of options when I chose to keep our son, get married, and transfer to my home state college. My husband wasn't in college, so he just had to give up partying so much. I was a high school valedictorian and had a full scholarship to college. It's been very difficult for me to be sooo painfully average as an adult when I had a lot of dreams of standing out & being different as a kid. Every time my husband says no to something I want, I feel like I'm reliving 1997. Since this IS such a one-sided account, I will say that I have a terrible temper that I've worked on, but I was very hard to get along with in our early years together. He deserves credit for even putting up with me. He also worked 2 jobs & supported us for 2 years while I finished school. He's a decent guy, but I'm having trouble overcoming past resentments & coming to agreement on these career issues. Am I a fool in my relationship, or am I chasing a stupid career dream? Maybe both. . . Thanks in advance for the feedback! Hard to answer this one because you have a lot of dynamics at work. You will need to sort them out independently. I don't think you can do this if you are still focused on past resentments. But you asked for brutal honesty; You chose to have a child. I am assuming that he did not force you to do this. You need to figure out who you resent and why. The reality is that you chose to place yourself in a position where you had to make this choice at all. Your resentment needs to be sorted out but this is a personal issue that I would suggest talking to someone might help you. As to the job situation. Try this;
I think there are a number of things that you personally have to think through and then sit down with your husband and talk about. Do this before you "jump".
ME123,
There is nothing "stupid" about having a goal and your situation is not an easy one. For my two cents, I would try to have an honest conversation with him about your feelings. This can be very hard to do when you are angry and it would be ideal to do this when everyone is more calm and collected, if that is possible. Is there a chance you could meet for dinner anywhere and just talk frankly to each other, without all the usual interruptions? The temptation is to not discuss anything when you have been angry about something for a long time and it is hard to speak about it so you avoid the topic. Pretending that a situation is OK is not going to work forever. Sooner or later, you are going to erupt and end up saying things you really don't want to. Maybe if you two could schedule some time to talk to each other soon it would prevent some unhappiness later on. It is very unhealthy to feel frustrated in your goals and to harbor anger or resentment. Your post sounds as though you are angry so I am guessing that this has been brewing for a long while. This is not good for any relationship, much less a marriage. Chances are he is already aware that you are unhappy. He may not fully understand why. One thought--is there any chance you could both agree to a date when you could planto leave the corporate career path and go out on your own? Situationscan be tolerable if they are going to change in the future. Can you make do with your current job if you both have a definite plan to change things in the future? I'm going to repeat what others have said: You and your spouse need to talk. A marriage is a partnership, and the two of you are going to have to agree on where you're planning to go. That's not just one talk, by the way--it's an ongoing discussion throughout your lives. And you will not always agree at first, either, hence the need to talk. Also, you're going to have to put aside resentment about the past--easier said than done, of course--but you can't change yesterday, you only have today. Focus on the now, not 4 years ago. Actually, I would recommend going to a financial counselor with this career question in mind. My husband and I found it very valueable to see things not so much from an emotional point of view, but from a financial point of view. Sometimes we get so caught up in our feelings, the bottom line gets lost. It may help your husband see your point of view. Or you may find out something you hadn't considered.
I've been in this situation more than once. I'm going to give my feedback before reading the others' since this is such a complicated situation. First off, marriage is a partnership. And descision you make will effect your spouse, perhaps to a lesser degree than yourself, but they still should be allowed to have their feelings taken into consideration. If you were a man and your husband was a woman, I would give you the exact same advice. That said, you are the one who is going to be sitting behind your desk all day, not him. Should he have veto power and dictate what you do with your life? No. I'll be if you ordered your husband to 'hang up his toolbelt and get a real job' he would would probably give you a dirty look at the very least. So first I would sit down and draw up a plan and decide if this is really what you want for yourself. What is the best that can happen? What is the worst that can happen? How will this new job affect your budget, your schedule, your retirement? After you have it all figured out, talk with your husband. Don't make it into a you vs. him thing. Explain what this is so important to you, and encourage him to voice his objections. Maybe he sees something you've missed. Or maybe he's worried over nothing, and doesn't see some of the pluses. If you are still gung-####, sell the idea to him as best as you can. If he's worried about money, explain that you have a small shot at making millions at your new job and no shot at making millions at your old one. If he worried about job security, tell him that there are plenty of jobs out there ready to hire you. If he is worried about the workload tell him how unhappy you are with your current job and tell him it affects your health, your sleep, etc... In they end, you may agree it not worth fighting for, but that's for you to decide. Good luck. I hope it all works out. Without reading anbody elses response first (I will go back after I submit this) the most persistent reason for your husband's inability to support you in your endeavors is this: Insecurity and fear. If your husband cannot support your ambition, especially after you have knocked yourself out for him, it probably is because your husband is threatened by you. And he most likely realizes that you will be a success in an area (self-employment) that he has not done as well in as he would have liked. He made be afraid that if you quit your job, he will not be able to live in the manner to which you have accustomed him. He will have to put more pep into his step and work harder at his business. Maybe, just maybe, he even has some (ir)rational fears about what will happen if you quit and work for yourself, essentially what you would be doing by contract work, and lose those benefits. What is one of the kids gets sick. What if you get sick. What happens to the savings if neither of you can earn the money to pay the bills. What about retirement? As for your inability to feel that you "fit into corporate America", that could just be because your temperment is such you are a leader and your past and current jobs do not allow for your true leadership ability to show through. It is true that there is a lot of history between you two and it seems that it is you backing up him. It's his turn now, don't you think? Sit him down and be firm about your decision. Don't waffle and let him "guilt" you into backing down. Explain to him that this is something that you want and that you have been very supportive of his endeavors so the least that he can do is return the support. My gut feeling is that he is going to try to talk you out of it and will even go as far as threatening to wlak out but, with his track record of not making enough money to support himself, I doubt that he is going to actually go through with it. Before you do this, though, make sure that you have the start up money in the bank for your venture. Give yourself a specific amount of time to pull this off. Say, a year and a half and then reevaluate your status at that time. Make the necessary corrections and adjustments.
My guess isn't that he is affraid of your success. After all you want to leave the corporate world and go small time, correct? That is completely the opposite of an ego threatening move! My guess is he is scared about survival. Anyone that has been in engineering or tech in the recent past knows about how tough things can get. 1. Take yourself immediately to couple's counseling. 2. If he won't go with you, go by yourself. 3. See 1 and 2 above. This isn't about whether or not it is a good career move for you. You've got lot of bigger issues than that on the plate here.
Tess I think you have received several very good points of view. I agree with Tess, your most pressing, even urgent issue is to seek counseling. Your employer probably provides an EAP. For the sake of your family, marriage and emotional survival, find a therapist. Ideally, you should go as a couple. Resentment will eat at you and destroy your relationship. You began with a partnership; you are obviously a successful, independent-thinking woman. You have the right to make your own choices, but you have responsibilities to consider and a family to preserve. Normally, I would say it is your decision, do what you want. That does not always turn out well. Been there, done that. Best of luck! Wow! I really appreciate everyone's responses. There is a lot to chew on there, but I guess the consensus is to really talk through things with my spouse & really consider all the short/long-term impacts of any career decisions (his & mine). Of course you are all right. Easier said than done, but after all these years, it is time to put it all on the table. I'm going to print out everyone's advice & come up with a plan of action. Thanks again for your input. | |
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