Dear guy in the next office,

Please do not go through my desk looking for a stapler, a post-it, or some other item that you really should have on your own desk.  We have a supply cabinet if you are out of something.  Going through my desk is an intrusive.  If you "borrow" a pen please keep it, especially since you are a pen chewer.  I really do not need it back.  I will go to the supply cabinet. 

I am truly sorry that you have a cold but please do not use my phone.  It's not okay.   I like you but I do not like you that much. On the same note, I like you but not that much, I don't want to discuss your love life with you, it is boring.  I can't give you advice, as I think you need professional help.  Perhaps, you can get on that new Matchmaking TV series.

Lastly, I don't understand your jokes.  Really.  They are not funny.  Everyone else laughs but they are being polite.  No one understands them.  They just don't want to hurt your feelings so I have been nominated to be the one to do it.  Please do not cry because you used up all my tissues on Monday.

Sincerely,

krc316