Employee to paranoid boss translator

"I'm calling in sick" = "I'm taking a vacation and didn't feel like telling you in advance."

"I'm sick but I'm working anyway.  (Taking a aspirin.)  Don't worry.  I don't think I'm contagious." = "I had way too much fun last night, so I'm hung over.  You'll want to monitor my performance."

"On second thought, I think I'd better go home and get some rest." = "I have a job interview today."

"I have a dentist appointment at two." = "I have a job interview at two."

"I have to go home for a plumbing emergency." = "My job interview starts in an hour."

"I'm working from home."  = "I'm goofing off today but I still want to get paid."

"I'm on vacation" = "I'm working from home.  Call me."

"I'm staying home sick with a life threatening illness and I have a note from my doctor to prove it" = "I'm working from home.  Call me at least once every hour."