Just want the pain to stop
I've come to the inescapable conclusion that I simply do not belong on this planet any longer ~ if, in fact, I ever truly did. When the greatest goal in your life is just to get the pain to stop, the pain of your own existence, is there really any other conclusion one can reach?
You try, so carefully, to make the right moves, take the right steps and, if nothing else, not have your family be ashamed of your existence; still, despite all the care taken, despite watching your steps and trying to stay out of the way, you fail. You become that which you never wanted to be: the pariah; the hated; the unforgivable and unforgiven; or worse yet, the unnoticed and ignored.
So what is one to do when you come to the realization of just how many lives would be improved if you were to die? Not marginally improved, but markedly, noticeably, overnight success improved ~ and all it would take is for you to simply be gone.
Even the Omega wolf has it's limits; if never allowed by the pack to eat, even the most meager of scraps, even the homely, pathetic Omega will die from lack of nourishment. Without the Omega, the pack falls apart. With no one upon whom to focus their hatred, anger and resentment ~ with no one to abuse, ridicule and debase, the rest of the pack loses cohesion; soon the stress takes over and battles break out throughout the pack. Anarchy reins, without the Omega.
But in my pack, I am lower than the Omega. To the pack, the Omega at least has value. I don't. And I don't want to do this ~ anymore. What rule says I have to? If so many lives can be improved with one selfless act, who am I to deny them? The same as I am regardless: no one; nobody; nothing.
ROAST Me. TOAST Me. CRUSH Me. FLUSH Me. My final will and testament. ROAST Me+TOAST Me = INCINERATION. CRUSH Me = Pulverize the bones; can't have any fragments, you know. FLUSH Me = just as it says. Local bus station preferred, men's room, send me down the toilet ~ following the rest of my life. No muss; no fuss. No one to care. No one to say goodbye. They'll all have better things to do. Trust me.
If only I could will it to happen, without having to take any action. I don't believe suicide is a sin ~ I don't believe in Heaven or Hell. Hell is living, pure and simple. Heaven must be death. As long as the pain stops, I don't really care about anything else. I can't live in this kind of pain anymore. What I could have done to deserve this I do not know. How could anyone have been this bad to ache this deeply, for this long?
MinPin
I, Omega
Fangs flash in the moonlight
Hunt to a kill, success
Alphas lead, prey brought down
A pack eats well tonight
Save the Omega ~
Life of torture, pain
Hierarchy, order, status
Dominance
For the Omega ~
Bitten, wounded, bleeding
Punishment, anger
Submission
Stress relief for a pack
Wander the perimeter, wait
Old and dying dine
Before the Omega ~
Scraps, his only nourishment
Body to soul
No pleasure
Not all howls at the moon
Are calls to a pack
Calls for mercy, some,
To God
Death, the only true peace
For the Omega ~
I am the Omega ~
Hear me, I beseech thee
Check your email!
Bunzo
To quote another poster: I think you are "simply" depressed.
dp
DEPRESSION IS JUST MIND OVER MATTER....
IF YOU DON'T MIND, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
And I don't mind ~ no one worth worrying about; nothing to bother with. If you don't like the way things are going, move on to another Thread. Nothing to see here.
MinPin, I have given much attention to another poster who was / is in hell on earth.
But I know the feeling of shouting in the desert. Take care, you're not alone.
MP,
I do not want to intrude but is there any way you can tell us what is going on to make you feel this badly? I can't help but be more than a little concerned when I see stuff like this.
I fully understand that this is not my personal business but what is happening right now? Are you physically feeling worse than usual? When I am feeling lousy and tired, I get bummed out and disgusted with stuff. I think everybody does.
I know that your situation with your father is very tough and that you are dealing with Addison's, etc. Can you shed any light or is there a way to help in some manner? If you don't want to discuss this, that is fine, too.